This War Is Boring

March 23, 2003

Twelve years ago we got to see a building blowing up from the perspective of the bomb. That was totally awesome. Now, all we get are continuous stories about reporters who are training with the troops. They're really training! So, I've come up with a few ways to spice up this war. Technology moves fast and I want Gulf War: Son of Evil Republican to be dazzling.

Full Color, HD Missle-cams
Last time, we had this grainy green image that showed us a square-ish looking building and something that looked like a door, but only for a split second. I want to be able to zoom in through the window and see the look on the hospital worker's face as the missle crashes through the front door. It's important that we know the face of the enemy, and in color!

Helmet-cams
Just like American Gladiators, I want to see the soldiers shake as they fire their machine guns. Also, think about all of the crazy antics that must go on when they don't know the camera is there.

Confessionals
We need to start learning from reality tv. After an important battle ends, soldiers should be able to enter a private confessional booth, a la The Real World, and tell all. You mean the Iraqis didn't ask to be freed? Scandalous!

Final Duel
The NCAA Tournament is exciting because you go from 64 teams to just 2, and then 1. I think we should have Bush and Saddam fight it out in a Fear Factor-style battle. They'll get points for eating buckets of worms and walking on shards of glass. The last one standing wins.

Anything is better than the coverage we're getting right now.

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